Relative Processing

WOW

Long time no chat! Forgot you were even here. The better I get (in health), the more I plan to visit you! For now, I will keep it short and sweet.

posted by xo Kit Kat @ 1:52 PM 0 comments

Life and stuff

The last post was a bit of a mess. At that moment I was hurting and couldn't see past the bright light that is life. I still wonder at times what it would be like not to be here but, and that's a big but, I do ultimately love life. This isn't going to be a long post, just a post to say I am still here and I am fighting for life and stuff.

posted by xo Kit Kat @ 11:40 AM 1 comments

Messed Up

That's me with bells on. At the moment I don't know which end is up in my life and I am on a roller coaster to disaster. For those that are close to me, you know the story but for those that aren't here's a little education into the mind of kit kat.

I have hit a time in my life where depression has taken hold and I am trying to climb out of this deep black pit that I call life. I can't seem to enjoy life, work, my friends, my family or my cats for anything. If I died right now it would be less of a burden. Now, that doesn't mean I am going to kill myself as I know I have no desire for that. I just wonder what it would be like to not be here. Would that void be filled and I happy? Do we feel anything after we die? I guess that would be more my question.

I was happy for awhile and then I was disappointed by somethings in my life that set me back. I get so frustrated at the medication because I can't remember what I did yesterday let alone the sentence I just wrote. I am so angry at my lack of will or want that I get more depressed. It's such a vicious cycle.

I know there are some that will think I am crazy and no longer want to be my friend, but were they really my friend in the first place??? If they can't be understanding, then obviously not. There will also be those that I never knew to have such kind hearts and to them I will be thankful.

posted by xo Kit Kat @ 7:30 PM 0 comments

This is not a pity show...

Today I sit and wonder whether to write what I feel. Will I be judged? Berated? Looked down upon? At the moment I no longer care. If some can't handle the truth then so be it. They obviously weren't worth my time.

Since I last wrote much has happened. The sarcoidosis came back or so they think. This time I had to go in for a biopsy on my lungs to make sure it wasn't cancer. The feeling from that day still haunts me, I can feel the pain in my lungs as they took a snip of them from the inside. Grabbing at the tubes down my nose and throat because I am half awake as the doctor performs his magic. I was afraid of drowning as they "washed" inside my lungs. I can't even put my head under a shower without a deep breathe and here I was drugged while they pumped water into my lungs. It was frightening.

I think that was the start of my down fall this year. The start of the last six years piling up and taking it's toll on my emotional state. I was exhausted, in pain, sick and sick and tired of crap. I have no better word than crap. I had yet another two neighbours die this year. Some may read that and think, oh it was only a neighbour but in my building there isn't such a thing. They were friends who cared about me and I cared about them. I miss them. They were sweet, caring and helped me when I was low. I knew I was safe with them here.

I miss my mom. She's still alive but we'll never be close. I want to blame that on her disease so badly but how much of it can I really blame it on that. What about when I was a kid? I don't know how to go back and repair years of anger and neglect. I feel guilty because I am closer to my step mom. I drive myself to work harder, do more to make sure my mom is taken care of. When all I want to do is move away and not have the guilt of not being perfect reign over me. It's not that I don't want to be successful for me but I know I am driving myself to exhaustion for a promise I made on a death bed.

I am learning that I can't be perfect but it's a hard realization. It's taken a lot of emotionally turmoil to get to that point. I am on the mend now and one day soon I will write about the trials and tribulations of getting here. At the moment I can't. It's still raw and I would be delving into an area I just can't go to right now.

I sit here and wonder, should I publish the post and have everyone judge me? Yes, I shall.

posted by xo Kit Kat @ 9:10 PM 0 comments

So...

What to say? I promised last post there was no more poor me routine. Thus why you haven't heard from me for a few months. I need a place to vent though and there seems no other place to do it than here.

The government is my first victim...What the hell were they thinking when they cut literacy programs. They bitch and complain about not keeping the educated ones in Canada yet here they are making cuts to education, for what? So that our young men and women can keep dying in a war many Canadians would rather not be fighting. Oh no, they just wanted to add another 1 billion dollars to the 13 they already had in surplus. Didn't you know the 1 billion was going to make more difference as a surplus than it would in teaching our citizens how to read and obtain jobs, have careers and create an educated society.

Next are doctors...I am sick, again! Two months ago I thought I knew what I had. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis (see link). I had not had a bout of it in a few years but then in August just before my friends wedding my lungs started to act up again. It was ok, I knew the routine, take a couple of anti inflammatories, go to the doctor and get my x-rays and blood work done. Well, my new doctor (as the one that diagnosed me is retired) is not convinced that I actually had sarcoidosis. What a bloody freak show it is now. I did the x-rays, blood work and CT Scan and now I get to wait until December to see the Respiratory Specialist...Love my medical system. I am scared. Not because I think that I am harmful to anyone else, but what if it is something that can kill me and was mis-diagnosed. That happened to a cousin with cancer and he's now past the point of help.

Ohhh and now back to the government...I get to start paying back my student loans! That's ok with me, I am a responsible person and don't think society should pay for my education, however, what really ticks me off that the provincial government gave some students a reprieve on their loans based on their income. Not a bad idea until you look at the fact that those that worked and went to school (as I did) got the shaft. We didn't get the reduction because we made the same amount as the reduction was, yet we still didn't make enough not to get the full amount of the loan. So because I worked to support myself I get penalized. Makes sense doesn't it!

My mom's roommate...For those of you that have read some of the old posts, you know that my mom is very sick with a type of muscular dystrophy. My mom is also a very kind lady, or more naive. When my grandma passed she left some money for all of her daughters. My mom, in her kindness, lent her roommate almost half of that money, and now the roommate is refusing to pay her back. I hate when someone takes advantage of a sick person, and if you know anything about the disease that my mom has it also causes some mental capacity problems. Needless to say my mom did not get this woman to sign anything and she is now out of money that was partially for her care in the future.

No wonder I am single, who would want to deal with this drama in their life.

Life...On the up side, I am happy. I made it through a year of not smoking (still going strong), graduated (as you all know), have a career I love, and am, at the moment, living for the moment because I don't want to take the chance on missing out on anything. I also have to say thank you to a friend CB for listening to all my crap because i know you are probably the only one that reads this ha ha....

posted by xo Kit Kat @ 7:46 PM 6 comments